Thirty-Eight Reasons Page 3

  “Fuck!” he growled and he ran out looking around. She wasn’t there. Noel walked towards the double door entrance to have Pete open it for him. Noel stepped out on to the sidewalk looking every direction to spot her. He came up empty. Defeated, Noel went back into the lobby and towards the front desk.

  “Yo, what up, Noel,” the teenager behind the desk said.

  “Hey. Listen,” Noel panted, his chest rose and fell rapidly. “There was a girl here not too long ago. Did you see where she went?”

  “Need more than just a girl came through my lobby, bro.”

  Noel sighed. “She’s got curly brown hair and she’s almost my height. She—”

  “Noel?”

  The soft voice caused him to look away from Dylan and turn to see her standing there as beautiful as ever. The sight of her made his throat feel dry and his eyes start to burn. Just looking at her made his heart break and mend at the same time, feeling like he found his home. But his head kept telling him otherwise.

  “Hey,” he managed out. Noel’s feet cemented themselves in place. He didn’t trust himself near her—he’d do something stupid. He had to remember that he had a girlfriend now, one that was upstairs taking a bath.

  “Hey, yourself.” Clara smiled. That was their thing and it was like a punch in his stomach. He missed everything about Clara Lawrence and it hurt him to miss her this much.

  “You’re… here. You’re in Boston?” he breathed out in disbelief. Noel panted, his need for oxygen burning his lungs.

  He watched Clara fiddle with her yellow cardigan in her hands. He never imagined she’d be here. Not after the way it ended the last time.

  “I, uhh, yeah. I guess I am.” Clara's eyes fell to her cardigan before meeting his.

  The look in her eyes sent an earthshattering clench to his heart. Because he knew, like he had always known.

  I'd never love anyone like I love her.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Noel swallowed hard, that voice was one he still dreamed and grieved over. His dreams never lived up to the reality of her. Her curls spiraled in their perfect shape, her brown eyes had that shade of gold that he had never been able to properly describe. And the way she smiled was like driving a stake straight through his heart. Clara Lawrence was every inch of perfection and his vision of heaven.

  Oh, fuck.

  Noel knew he was in trouble. Just being near Clara and his mind thought of possibilities that were unattainable for them. Clara’s eyes didn’t match the soft smile on her face. Her brown colour couldn’t mask the terrified flash he saw. His hands moistened as his heartbeat accelerated. He looked around the lobby to see no one else with her.

  “Is Alex here, too?” he asked as his eyes met Clara’s. He watched her chest rise and then she shook her head.

  “No. Alex doesn’t know I’m here.”

  Clara never lies to Alex… only when it came to us.

  “She’s beautiful, Noel.”

  He tensed at Clara’s words.

  There was so much confusion and hurt in Clara’s eyes that it pained him to look at her. He turned his head to see the teenager checking her out. Noel couldn’t blame him. Clara was beautiful and always would be. Noel turned his attention back to her. There was so much he wanted to say but words seemed to fail him.

  “What are you doing here, Clara?” It was the one question that started eating him alive. He needed a reason. He needed to know why here and why now?

  “I… uhh.” Clara paused. Her gaze dropped to the yellow cardigan she held over in her left hand. When she looked up, Noel saw her eyes start to water.

  “I’m not even sure anymore.”

  The sound of Pete greeting residents got his attention. Watching Clara cry had always been an infliction of torture on him.

  “I guess I just wanted to see you.”

  Those words she spoke had the hope in him explode throughout his body. But there was something in him that told him to give up that hope. He couldn’t go through it all a second time. He loved Andrea. He was with her now.

  “How did you know I was here?” she asked.

  If things were different then he’d throw his arms around her and promise her the world. It dawned on him that this had to be their final stand. It hurt him to believe it was, but he couldn’t live with the thought that she’d end up breaking his heart with a change of her mind.

  “Stevie called. She told me you were here.”

  Clara flinched, her face filled with surprise.

  “W-what did she say?”

  He noticed her arm tensed as she gripped her cardigan tighter.

  “All she said was that you’re here.”

  Clara’s face relaxed and she breathed out in relief.

  “Listen, Noel. I have to tell you that…”

  “Stop,” he forced out.

  Clara winced at his abruptness. Noel ran a hand through his hair and took two steps forward. As much as he wanted to reach over and have his lips touch hers, Noel had to be the one to have a say this time. It would physically and mentally pain him for the rest of his life but he knew what was right.

  “Listen to me, Clara, and listen properly. I’m only going to say this once. Okay?”

  The tears started to run down Clara’s cheek, Noel steeled himself. She nodded causing more tears to slowly fall.

  “I wanted you forever but you never gave me the chance, Clara. Never gave us the chance. Now you’re here…” Noel paused and mentally remembered every feature of Clara Lawrence—for the last time. “I got over you, Clara. You broke my heart and I got over you. You were right, I should be thanking you for ending us. I’m happier with Andrea. She’s everything you couldn’t be. She can love me without any complications. Why do you think she moved in with me? I was meant to be with her. You wasted your time coming here. I’m sorry you flew out.”

  It hurt him to say all those lies. But how could they have a future? They had both been in too much pain to see the sight of forever. Noel knew when it was time to stand back and he had to make sure Clara realised that they had nothing going for them. Clara blinked away a few tears before looking down at her hands. This was worst than before. This time would be their last time.

  “You should go, Clara,” Noel breathed out, exaggerating the frustrated tone in his voice.

  Clara gave Noel a strained smile. She wiped her cheek with the back of her right hand and turned to face the reception desk.

  “Thank you for holding my things, Dylan,” Clara said.

  Dylan looked over to Noel, ready to slug him before walking around the desk and handing Clara a small suitcase. He watched Clara’s face for a reaction, but all she did was pull up the handle of her suitcase.

  “Take care, Noel. Andrea's beautiful and she seems lovely. I’m happy for you.” Clara sounded sincere when she spoke and that only added to the pain he felt.

  I’m a bastard. But I’d be even more of a bastard if I beg for her to stay.

  Clara gave him one more smile before she walked past him, towards the exit. He listened to the sound of Clara’s short heels click and her suitcase wheels squeak until they stopped.

  “Noel.”

  He closed his eyes to stop the tears that burned. He had to have her hate him in order for her to be happy. Last time he checked, she was happy with Liam and Rob would tell him if they weren’t together. He slowly turned around to face her.

  “I just have to know one thing.”

  He nodded for her to continue and Clara sniffed.

  “The first time you said you loved me. Remember?”

  How could he forget? It was one of his most frequent dreams that woke him up in a sweat and caused him to sit at a bar where nobody knew your name. He’d drink Clara and every memory of her away as best as he could.

  “What about it?” he asked with as little emotion as he could. The sooner Clara left him, the sooner he could pick up the pieces of what would be a regret.

  “Did you mean it? When you told me you loved me, did you mean i
t then? Did you mean it all the times you said it to me? I-I just need to know,” Clara choked out.

  Simple questions that brought back the familiar ache in his heart and had him struggling to breathe. Clara Lawrence was his air and he was giving her up in order for them to move forward.

  “Clara, I—”

  I loved you every day I was with you and even now.

  Noel clenched his fists tightly and said the one word that pierced his heart, “No.”

  Clara’s lip quivered and she closed her eyes tightly Noel felt all air leave him. The burning in his lungs didn’t out pain the ache that radiated in his chest.

  “I thought I did. But being away from you made me realise that I didn’t love you the way I thought I did. I love Andrea, Clara. You being here is what I needed to see that I was meant to be with her.”

  Clara’s face fell slightly to the left. This time it was Noel who had the last words. It was harder than he imagined lying to her. Noel wasn’t sure if this was what he wanted to live with but they had spent six months apart, somewhere Clara found happiness with Liam. Her eyes met his and he saw the pain in them, the gold colour disappearing. Clara shook her head before she breathed in sharply and gave Noel a smile.

  “I’m so sorry I came to Boston. It wasn’t fair of me to just show up and expect anything. I should have known better. You don’t deserve this. I wish you all the best with Andrea. I’m sorry I wasted your time with me in Melbourne. I guess… I thought more into it than I should have.”

  Every tear that fell caused Noel to become even more nauseated.

  “Goodbye, Noel. I’m glad to see you so happy. You’ll never see me again. I can assure you, I have no business being back in this part of the world.” A forced smile broke Clara’s face before she turned and walked towards the exit.

  He watched Clara walk out of his life for the third time and this time it had been his words that dealt the blows. He couldn’t listen to her promise a forever they both couldn’t keep.

  Clara watched the taxi pull away and drive towards the direction of the city and away from Scarsdale. She took in her surroundings. This was what she wanted when she got married. She wanted the suburban lifestyle, to have the white picket fence and see children run and ride their bikes. Clara bent her knees and took the handle of her suitcase.

  As she stood on the driveway of Alex’s house, a fear overtook her. Alex had his happily ever after and she was going to walk in there and ruin his day. Clara was Alex’s own storm. Just at his brightest she came crashing in, disrupting his life until she left, feeling like a burden on his life. She promised Liam she’d tell her brother about their engagement and that’s what she came here to do.

  Noel was a bump in the road, one that she had overcome and faced. Maybe Noel not giving her the chance to tell him was a blessing. Now he could live his life with no regrets and she would marry Liam. Clara took one step forward and her chest tightened. Her body was exhausted with travelling that she wasn’t even sure if she would make it to the door.

  Clara pushed the nagging voice in her head away and walked towards the white painted door. She knocked three times and waited patiently.

  “Just a second.” Clara heard. The voice sounded feminine and she recognised it from Alex’s Skype calls. The door unlocked and opened, Clara was met with a light brown haired woman standing before her.

  “Clara?” Keira’s dark brown eyes almost looked like charcoal, mysterious and beautiful in their own right.

  “Hi, Keira. I know this is unexpected but is Alex home?” Clara asked nervously. This was the first time she was meeting her brother’s girlfriend and from everything she had heard, she was the woman of Alex’s dreams.

  “Of course. Come on in. I wasn’t expecting to see you until Alex’s birthday next month,” Keira said as she took Clara’s suitcase and handbag from her. Keira straightened and was about to say something until she paused. Her eyes darkened and Clara knew that she noticed the ring on her finger.

  “I’m going to go get Alex and then we’ll go spend some time together.” Keira nodded before leading Clara into the lounge room.

  The wooden floors were polished and the French inspired furniture looked expensive yet cozy; everything was beautiful and she was proud of her brother.

  Clara could just make out Keira’s hushed voice and then the sound of Alex yelling out, “She’s here?”

  Her brother’s heavy steps on the wooden floors were loud as he made his way through the house and burst through the door. Alex’s eyes meeting hers for a second before he brought her into a tight embrace. The memory of Noel’s painful rejection made the sobs escape from her. It was never Alex’s fault that it failed between them. It was simply hers.

  “Kiddo, what’s wrong?” Alex softly he rubbed her back. He had always done that when she was a little girl and upset.

  Clara looked up to Alex. He was her parental figure—the mother and father she never had. “I did something stupid,” she said in between sobs. She was certain she was ruining his white cotton business shirt, but her brother didn’t seem to care.

  “Liam didn’t get you pregnant, did he?” Alex’s arms tighten around her before he slowly released her.

  Clara took a step back and took a deep breath. It was impossible for her to be pregnant. Liam promised they would stay celibate until their wedding night. He was determined to prove that it was love and not sex. Clara bit the inside of her cheek as the last few tears slid down. She realised Alex hadn’t noticed the ring on her finger.

  “No. Getting pregnant by Liam wouldn't be stupid, Alex. But that’s not what I did.” The memories started to creep back in and it left Clara breathless and in pain.

  I got over you, Clara. You broke my heart and I got over you.

  Alex’s hands rested on the side of her arms, panic and worry succumbed his eyes. Clara’s heart throbbed before she spoke.

  “I went to Boston to see Noel.”

  Alex’s arms fell to the side of his body and the grief filled his face.

  “I’m sorry, Clara. I should have told you about her.”

  She shook her head as a sob formed within her. She tried desperately to suppress it by balling her fists.

  “I didn’t make it to his door. I saw them and then I left. He was in the lobby just as I was about to leave.”

  “Come here,” Alex said as he took Clara’s left hand.

  She closed her eyes for a long second and held her breath.

  “Clara?” Alex’s brows met, she could tell her brother was holding the anger in him. “Please tell me that this is Noel’s ring. That he broke up with Andy and that you and him finally sorted it all out.”

  Clara took a deep breath but it couldn’t prepare her for what physically hurt her. “No. It’s not Noel’s. It’s Liam’s. I went to Boston because I wanted him to change my mind. Tell me that he wanted me and that we’d find a way. But it didn’t happen.” Clara twirled her engagement ring around her finger as Alex processed what she said.

  “What the fuck is the matter with you two? What did he say, Clara? Tell me?”

  Clara looked down at her ring, before Alex led her to the couch and wrapped his arm around her. Alex always picked up her mess but this time her mistakes couldn’t be fixed.

  “He said he got over me and that he loves Andrea. He’s… thankful that I ended it back in Melbourne. I asked him if he ever loved me…”

  Alex’s hand gripped her arm tighter. Her tears continued.

  “What. Did. He. Say?” Alex said through clenched teeth.

  Her heart became heavy, the weight of it driving her tears into overdrive. The sobs finally escaped her and Clara cried into Alex’s chest.

  “He said he never loved me. That he thought he did, but he didn’t and doesn’t. I’m such an idiot for thinking I could just show up and have him tell me my engagement was a stupid decision. I wanted Noel to tell me that we were always meant to be together but he didn’t even love me, Alex. I broke it off the first time because I
loved him too much and now…” She trailed off.

  Clara let the thought of Noel not loving her sink in. She gave him everything, her heart and her virginity, but she didn’t regret either. It was the thought that Noel regretted them that broke her. She had every hope that they’d find a way but hope was too much of a beacon that left her burned.

  “I’m going to kill him, Clara.”

  That warning tone in Alex’s voice had Clara pushing herself off him.

  “Don’t, Alex. It’s done. Please don’t say anything to him.”

  “I can fix this.”

  Clara breathed out exhaustedly and got off the couch. Pacing around the room, she tried to stop the hurt from consuming her even further. She had to make it clear to Alex that her decision was made.

  “You can’t fix this, Alex. Stop thinking you can. Noel and I, we are never going to happen ever again.” Clara’s eyes met her brother’s. They had the same colour except his was a fraction darker than hers. The pain in Alex’s added to the heaviness in her chest. She needed to kill the idea of her and Noel off—for good.

  “He’s done with me, Alex. He loves Andrea. It was never me he loved. I should have known back in Melbourne but I was too in love with him to see anything else.” Clara covered her face with her hands as she let out another sob. Her mistakes cost her Noel and she realised them too late.

  The movement of the couch cushions indicated that Alex got off the couch. His protective brotherly arms wrapped around her.

  “Clara, I can make him change his mind. I know it. Just let me talk to him,” Alex softly said, not processing the fact that it was over.

  Clara pushed off his chest and wiped her tears away. She had never once stood up to her brother. It was time she dealt with the consequences of her actions, not Alex.

  Straightening her body, she looked at her left hand. She wanted to make herself worthy of Liam and it meant letting go of Nolan Parker. It would be easy now that he ripped out the part of her that loved him. The part that overlooked his sleeping with Valerie and came back for him. She’d find a way to un-love him.