The Dissolution of Unrequited (The Science of Unrequited Book 4) Page 2

  Once she reached the dresser, Alex picked up the envelope that rested on the oak. The very envelope she received weeks after she had applied. It was another reason to return home but not her true reason.

  Alex’s thumb brushed against the logo, and she smiled.

  Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

  She had done it.

  It had taken her many years, but she finally had her acceptance letter into MIT. It wasn’t easy applying from Zürich, and she had feared rejection, but Dr. Rodahawe was adamant that she’d be accepted into MIT’s physics doctorate program with or without his recommendation letter. Setting the envelope down, Alex picked up the framed picture of them.

  The real reason she was going home.

  It had been eight weeks since she last saw him.

  Eight weeks since she last told him she loved him and meant it.

  Eight weeks felt like a lifetime.

  But Alex knew longer.

  She knew what a lifetime really entailed.

  And it was full of misery.

  77 Ir

  iridium

  ALEX

  Sophomore year of college

  It didn’t feel right.

  To stand in front of someone she loved and not feel anything.

  It didn’t feel right that she didn’t feel that love.

  The love she knew she felt for him.

  She was sure of it.

  But at that moment, Alexandra Parker felt no love for her ex-boyfriend, Landon Carmichael. She was still hurt that he had chosen the NBA over her. Still angry that he had denied their relationship in a magazine. Lied to the world about her. About them. And lied to her about the teams interested in him.

  Alex’s time in Massachusetts wasn’t long enough. It wasn’t the space she had needed so desperately because while she was home, she was with Evan Gilmore—her former best friend and first love. Being with Evan reminded her of what she had lost while she was with Landon. She had been Landon Carmichael’s girlfriend for so long that she lost track of where her dreams lay. Evan made it his mission to bring her back. To remind her that MIT was her dream.

  That she was AJ Parker.

  And during her time with Evan, she realized that she still loved him and had kissed him. Parts of her still wanted to be with him, but it wasn’t the time. Her heart wasn’t his to have; it was her ex-boyfriend’s. The very same ex-boyfriend standing outside her dorm room with a bouquet of different colored tulips in his hand, apologizing and pleading for her.

  “Please, Alex. Please forgive me,” he begged.

  She didn’t know what to say.

  He had broken them up.

  He ended them when the truth came out.

  Landon stepped forward, closing the distance between them, pressuring her for an answer. “Please take me back. I was an idiot. I didn’t see what was in front of me. It’s you I want. I don’t care about Phoenix. I want to be with you. Please take me back. Please.”

  Her heart ached.

  She wanted to hear him say those words. Words she now had to refuse because she knew that she would go back to him. She’d lose track of who she was once more. She’d lose her dreams for him to keep his.

  “Landon,” she said in a tight voice. It was all she could say for fear she’d commit her heart to him again.

  Evan Gilmore had just brought her back.

  He’d worked so hard to show her his love and her dreams.

  She couldn’t do that to him.

  Not when she knew she still loved him.

  But that was the problem. She also still loved Landon.

  “Please, can we just talk?”

  Alex nodded, knowing that she would give Landon more than he had given her. Because that was the power of her love for him. “Okay,” she agreed as she dug her hand into her purse and pulled out her keys. Just as she reached behind to grab the suitcase handle, Landon stepped forward and took it from her.

  “I’ve got it,” Landon said, causing Alex to step aside. She opened her mouth to object, but he shook his head. “I fucked up. I know I did. It doesn’t mean I’ll continue to hurt you. I want to … no, I need to treat you right. I need to treat you better.”

  A crack developed in her heart as she remained quiet and headed to her dorm. She inserted the key, twisted it, and opened the door. Though she knew her roommate was at work, Alex couldn’t help but wish Savannah was inside. She needed Savannah as a source of strength against Landon. Because she knew it wouldn’t take him much to work his way back into her heart.

  She had to remember he hurt her.

  He hurt them.

  He put his dreams ahead of hers without any thought or discussion.

  Stepping inside, she made her way toward her bed and dropped her purse on it. Alex clenched her eyelids shut and inhaled deep breaths, telling herself that she could be strong. She had to be strong and fight for her dreams. When she felt confident enough to face him, she spun around to find Landon closing the door and then setting the flowers on her desk.

  “Baby—”

  Alex shook her head. “I am not your baby, Landon. You made that clear a week ago when you walked out that door.”

  Her voice broke.

  She wasn’t stronger.

  She had kept her emotions in, but now they were bursting at the seams.

  His chin dipped slightly as she noticed the shame and pain flash in his once bright blue eyes. In the entirety of their relationship, the only fight they’d had before their breakup was when he almost left her in Brookline. It was Landon who always did the leaving, and it was Alex who always did the fighting … until last week.

  “I know,” he said in a small voice.

  The Landon Carmichael before her had let himself go in the week since they broke up. He had dark circles under his eyes, and he hadn’t shaved, a shadow of hair prickled his jaw. He might be sad, but he left her devastated when he ended them. At that moment, Alex knew she would always be the one sacrificing her dreams for him. Just as she had for everyone else. She needed Landon to understand what she would do for him. Understand that she had chosen him and loved him over Evan Gilmore and MIT. Landon had to understand that she still loved him more.

  “You hurt me,” she said, gaining his attention. His distraught blue eyes caused the tightening in her chest, taking her breath away.

  “I know,” he repeated.

  Alex shook her head, fighting and begging her tears to stay away. “You don’t know. You took my love for granted. I shouted in the middle of the street that I loved you after you used Evan’s childhood nickname against me. That hurt, Landon. You have never hurt me more than that night because it made me realize that you doubted my love for you. My loyalty to you. You think I wouldn’t join you in Phoenix? That I wouldn’t have made it work?”

  His jaw clenched as she saw his eyes gleam over with unshed tears. “Alex …”

  She took a step forward, closing the space between them. “I would have,” she revealed. “I would have followed you to Phoenix. To San Antonio. To whatever city you got drafted to because I love you, Landon Carmichael.” Her tears ran freely down her cheeks. “And it angers me that you didn’t even consider there being an us after you graduate. It breaks my heart that I’m not right for you. That my image hinders you. I hate how in love I am with you when I know you chose a future without me. Don’t you get how much I love you?”

  As if he couldn’t take it anymore, Landon reached up and cupped her face, his thumbs gently brushing away her tears. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Alex. I didn’t mean it. Any of it. I don’t want the NBA if it means I lose you. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t. I love you, baby. I love you.”

  She believed him.

  But she hated that it took losing her for him to realize her love and her worth.

  “That’s not enoug
h,” she whispered as she pulled away from his touch. “It’s not, Landon. Because then I’m the bad guy who held you back and ended your NBA career. I don’t want to be that person to you. I can’t be. I refuse to be.”

  Landon shook his head, desperation etching his face as he grasped her hands. “I can’t lose you, Alex. I can’t. Please give us another shot. You still love me. I still love you. Couples fight all the time. Just give us another chance. Let me take you to dinner. Let me fix this. I made a mistake. I love you, Alex. I’m still him. Let me be the guy you fell madly in love with.”

  It all broke away.

  The strength she had accumulated was gone.

  Because Landon was right.

  He was the guy she had fallen madly in love with.

  “Please have dinner with me?” he begged.

  “Okay,” Alex whispered, conceding defeat. “Just dinner.”

  He nodded as relief flashed in his blue eyes, and his shoulders fell from their stiff position. It seemed even his touch had relaxed. “Thank you. I won’t ever let you down again. I won’t. Never again,” he promised.

  She believed him.

  Believed he was honest and he would try.

  Then he tugged her to his hard chest and wrapped his arms around her, whispering promises in her ear as she closed her eyes and inhaled him. His woodsy cologne was so familiar, reminding her of how safe she felt in his arms. It was the opposite to how she should truly feel in her ex-boyfriend’s arms. She was still hurt and needed space from him, so Alex pressed her palms to his waist and created the distance she desperately needed.

  “I’m tired,” she admitted. “I’ve had a long day. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  He nodded. “Okay.” Then he bent his knees and lowered his face to hers.

  Alex’s breath hitched as he inched his lips closer to hers.

  Anxiety raced through her as her eyes searched his.

  She wasn’t ready to kiss him.

  She wasn’t ready to wipe Evan’s kiss away with Landon’s.

  Then he did the unexpected and pressed his lips to her cheek before he stepped back. “Good night, Alex.” His eyes bore into hers.

  She saw it.

  His weakness and his fear. He was scared to lose her again. It didn’t give her any pleasure knowing that she caused him as much pain as he did to her.

  “Good night, Landon.” She watched him press his lips into a tight smile and then make his way out of her dorm, leaving her even more confused than before.

  Alex had hoped she wouldn’t see him for a few days. She had hoped she could settle back at Duke and go over her conflicting feelings before she saw her ex-boyfriend again. But he ambushed her. And there wasn’t much she could do but agree to dinner. At least it would be tomorrow night, and she’d have some time to herself before then.

  The ringing of her phone had Alex blinking at her door and then glancing down at her purse. Sitting on her bed, Alex opened her purse and pulled out her phone to find Evan calling her. She chewed her lip as her thumb hovered over her screen. She took a deep breath, peeked at the door to make sure it was locked, and then answered his call, pressing her phone to her ear.

  “AJ?” His voice was soft, almost as if it were full of fear.

  “Hey,” she replied.

  She heard him hum before they sat in silence.

  For minutes, they didn’t say a word.

  On and on did time pass them.

  Their silence spoke volumes as Alex lifted her legs up onto her bed and pressed her back against the cold brick wall. She could hear the traffic from his end and knew he was still driving to Massachusetts. Not liking the way her stomach knotted, Alex decided that she should break their silence.

  “Evan?”

  “Yes, AJ?”

  She inhaled sharply and exhaled in one short huff. “Landon was outside my dorm.”

  “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” Evan asked, worry pitched in his voice.

  “No,” she strongly assured. “He didn’t. He begged me to take him back.”

  Evan once again fell silent before he asked, “And did you?”

  Alex shook her head even though she knew he couldn’t see. “No. I’m going to dinner with him tomorrow night.” She paused. “I have to be sure, Evan.”

  “I understand,” he said, truth simmered in his voice.

  She let out a sigh of relief, only just realizing how tense she had been. “Thank you.”

  “I’m scared,” Evan admitted.

  “I know. I am, too.”

  “I don’t want you to pick him.”

  Her eyes fell closed, hating how small his voice was. “I love him, Evan. A week ago, he was my boyfriend, and I hadn’t spoken to you in months.”

  “And you lost yourself for almost a year,” he pointed out.

  He was right.

  Alex knew it.

  She opened her eyes and took a deep breath. “You’re not making this easy,” she confessed.

  “I don’t mean to make it difficult, AJ. He doesn’t know you the way I do. But I know you love him, so I can’t force your hand right now. I promised I would be your best friend. And that’s what I’ll be if you call me tomorrow night and tell me it’s him. I’ll be your best friend. The best friend you’ve always needed and deserved. I better hang up and let you—”

  “Wait,” she said quickly, remembering their drive from Brookline to Duke. Remembering why her heart wanted and had chosen Evan during their road trip. And most importantly, she remembered what she left behind.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  “You don’t have to thank me.”

  “But I do,” she replied with a small smile to her lips. “You gave me answers I never thought I’d ever have. You made me understand you and your choices. Evan, you let my heart beat properly and freely for the first time in forever. In that car with you, I chose you because you gave me me again, so I left behind something for you.”

  Evan was silent as if he was scared to break the spell between them by speaking. “What did you leave for me?”

  She bit her lip for a moment before she released it. “Do you remember that gift I gave you?”

  “I do.”

  “I bought you that gift when I thought I had you. That I was yours. Then you broke my heart and I put the box away and never thought I’d see you again.”

  “I never thought I’d see you again either.”

  Alex felt a smile twitch at her lips. “You brought me back. I told you to trust me and not to open it until I trusted you. I trust you, Evan. I left the gift tag I wrote you on the passenger seat. I want you to have it. I want you to have my words and my trust.”

  She heard some rustling sound before he asked, “You trust me?”

  “I do,” she said in a small voice.

  “Then trust me.”

  She flinched. “What?”

  “Trust me, AJ. I won’t read these words or open your present until I have your heart and you back. Until I see you and know you truly want me and not him, I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait until I see you and I’m with you to open your gift and read the tag.”

  Her heart clenched.

  It was all she had ever wanted from Evan.

  His hope for them was stronger than any promise he had ever given her.

  “I don’t know when I’ll see you.”

  He exhaled. “I know. I’ll wait. I’ll always wait.” She smiled at his words as he continued, “I’ll let you get some sleep. You’ve had a long day. I’m gonna find a hotel and stay the night. I’ll call you later?”

  “Yeah,” she agreed, not knowing what more she could say to him. “Call me tomorrow before your flight but let me know when you’ve checked in so I know you’re okay.”

  “I will,” he promised
.

  “Good. Good night, Evan.”

  “Good night.” Just as she was about to hang up, he quickly said, “Hey, AJ?”

  She stilled. “Yes?”

  He inhaled a deep breath. “I love you. And I know that’s not fair of me to say right now, but I do. I have, and I always will. Just in case I lose you and don’t ever get to tell you. I love you, Alexandra.”

  She could say it.

  Say three words and pretend it was no big deal.

  But it was.

  And she couldn’t give him hope with three words.

  “And to be fair to you, Evan, I can only say good night. I don’t want to make promises to anyone right now—especially to you. I don’t want a repeat of what happened last time we made promises. It can’t be like that again.”

  “I know. It won’t. Good night, AJ. For real, good night.”

  A smile finally spread across her lips. “Good night for real, Evan.”

  It was easy.

  So easy to fall in love with Landon Carmichael.

  To fall victim to his charm and his bright blue eyes.

  To laugh along with his jokes.

  To forget he destroyed her heart for an NBA career.

  But it happened.

  As Alex sat opposite him in a fancy French restaurant in Durham, she found herself loving everything about him. She gave him the chance at a clean slate, and he took it. He appeared at her door on time and dressed the part. He wore a white dress shirt and black slacks with polished leather shoes to match. He texted her to dress up, and she was glad she listened. When she opened the door wearing the simple, tight black dress, she was breathless at the hope in his blue eyes.

  For a moment, she was disappointed the short beard that made him look even sexier was gone, but she loved the clean-shaven captain of the men’s Duke basketball team more. And before her, he was it. The man she fell in love with. For their entire dinner, it felt as if nothing had come between them. That a week hadn’t separated them. That Evan hadn’t come back into her life and pieced together her dreams and future for her. That Evan Gilmore hadn’t told her the truth behind his actions.

  Landon reached over and grasped her hand after she finished eating the final bite of her ratatouille. Alex glanced up to see the soft smile on his face, causing her heart to ache. Confusion thumped at her temples. She loved Landon. There was no denying it. She felt it in her bones as they laughed and talked as if nothing had changed the position of their world around the sun. It felt so natural and real. They felt like them again, but the small voice in her head told her otherwise. It told her to guard her foolish heart and to be wary. And her heart had no intention of listening, still madly in love with Landon Carmichael.